The carpet matches the curtains

Hi AC.

What does “the carpet matches the curtains” mean when you are talking about a person? Thanks!

Celia P.

Dear Celia,

I'm guessing you saw the article on Marcia Cross in the paper this week. Cross, who stars in the hit show Desperate Housewives, had thrown out some some photos of herself, including some nude shots of her showering outdoors. Someone "found" them in her trash and they are now being offered for sale by attorney David Hans Schmidt, who told a reporter that the redhead's carpet and curtains are a matched set.

I put “found” in quotations because it's unlikely that anyone just happened to see them sitting on top of her smelly garbage as they were passing by her house and picked them up out of curiosity. There are legions of people who scout around Los Angeles looking for such goodies to sell to tabloids. Given the likelihood of a scavenger finding those pictures, it seems a bit odd, if not suspect, that Cross wouldn't burn them or run them through the paper shredder before disposing of them.

So maybe she doesn't mind them being public and just wants people to think she has naturally red hair. The carpet matches the curtains (also the rug matches the drapes) means that her pubic hair is the same color as the hair on her head, which would suggest that she doesn't dye it. Roughly 1/3 of American women color their hair, so the possibility of mix and match coordinates is actually fairly high.

However, out of curiosity, I did a quick internet search and discovered that you if you have enough courage and petroleum jelly, you can dye your hair “down there” too—so there's still a chance that Cross was born a blond or brunette.

Your pal,


A. C. Kemp

November 5, 2006

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